


Hashirama relives his life multiple times

by Evalove45



Category: Naruto
Genre: Blood and Gore, M/M, Slow Burn, Suffering, Suicide, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2019-11-14 18:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18058151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evalove45/pseuds/Evalove45
Summary: Dying and dying again has made Hashirama a bit bitter.So he was surprised when he found out someone else kinda remembered.Kinda.





	1. Chapter 1

Hashirama always thought of himself being good. Honestly, who wouldn't want to do good? The boy can't see himself doing anything bad.

So imagine his inner thoughts when he saw a baby animal die.

So this is how it went,

Hashirama went to the beach near the camp, where 'Tobi likes to go occasionally. He had been feeling like swimming today.

It feels better when swimming during this pretty warm morning, nothing complicated about that. Nothing bad.

So he passed the big tree, near the sand. The small grains were soft on his barefoot toes.

The horizon was beautiful, with the sea and the sun. It was a cloudy morning, and he couldn't help but imagine himself in the water, having fun.

Suddenly there was a small voice calling out. Snapped out of his thoughts, he got up and was ready to help.

Starring at the sea, the crying was coming from there...

Quickly walking forward, he sprinted to the calls. There seemed to be a small animal on the ground.

It was a kitty-cat.

Finally arriving next to it, he pushed chakra into it. Mommy once told him he was a great healer so he could, technically, help the animal.

The meows didn't stop, and the body was just so so cold. Cradling the body to his chest, Hashirama's eyes started to water. No! The animal wouldn't-it wouldn't die! The kitty might have a family that will miss him or-or maybe...

Eyes closing shut, breathing uneven and raspy, the boy kept the cat in his arms, he rocked gently. "Sh-you can do it...! Don't die yet...!"

"Plea-" Hiccup "-se"

Suddenly, the water that had been previously simply wetting the bottom of his pant-legs grew. It started attacking his shirt, then it climbed up to his middle chest.

The, probably dead, kitty was getting splashed too, so he had to be raised above Hashirama's head. Looking behind him, Hashirama's face transformed into horror at what he saw.

There was a giant wake, coming to crash on him and the small kitty. Looking down, Hashirama's eyes welled up with tears, they weren't going to make it.

Looking back up, he chocked on the sob that was threatening to come out. He couldn't, wouldn't-

Water grazed his skin.

Then, water submerged his entire being, he kept his breath wisely, and closed his eyes, holding the cat like a life-line.

After about 40 seconds - he had been counting, what else could he do? - his limbs were like stone, unmoving. Then, the urge to breath was so strong, that he inhaled with great pain.

And if possible, he felt that breathing in water was worse then not breathing at all, so very painful.

Eyes open and looking at all the salt water around him, he felt consciousness  
leave him slowly... Oh so slowly...

He couldn't even understand that someone was screaming his name in the distance...

Goodbye world...

XxxxxX

And then he woke up, vomiting all the water from his stomach.

XxxxxX

A few years later, Madara Uchiha had been touring Hashirama around his compound, the big idiot had been bugging him for a while, and the whole peace treaty nonsense made him unable to politely refuse.

The brunet was tall, with broad shoulders. The man was bouncing slightly, pretty excited for the excursion. It had taken weeks to convince him, so he was understandably happy. Closing his eyes, he breathed evenly and continued guiding the Senju further into his territory.

The bystanders stared at the duo with confused stares and whispers. Luckily for them, they were hushed enough that Hashirama had no hope in hearing them. The big doof wouldn't hear a meteor hitting the earth until it hit him in the face.

They continued on the pathway, circling around a few tents and stalls. Madara, ever the good guide, pointed and named objects and people. His black hair was as ever unruly, but it fit him quite fine. It was easy to notice the difference between both of them. When he found out that he had been walking on his own, he stopped as well.

Turning his head in the direction of the other clan head, his eyes shone with curiosity. Behind him, Hashirama seemed to have frozen, eyes dulled up a bit. Mouth hanging open from a sentence that didn't seem to be going to come out anytime soon.

His entire body had stopped short and, Madara was sure that if he had been closer, he wouldn't have been able to see the Senju's stomach breathing at that moment. Hashirama still hadn't blinked, and if whatever caught his attention ended up being a threat, the brunet wasn't going to be able to defend himself anytime soon.

Actually, when was the last time he had been taken off-guard? Thinking harder, Madara was certain that it was, in fact, an impossibility for that to happen. Multiple times enemy had tried to ambush him, but it never worked. There was even a rumour about how the reason behind this phenomenon was because the wood style user could sense anyone, anywhere, no matter how tired or injured he might be as long as they were in a forest. Though, that had been proven untrue after a failed attack at sea.

One had even claimed to have heard him counting, like all he had been doing was a dance, made for perfection with minimal injured on his side. It was very scary for an opponent, but Hashirama always looks ghostly after one of those battles, not coming out for days until it passed.

Others claimed him using hidden jutsu to see the future (How crazy was that?), and one memorable time, Madara had brought it to the other man's attention. I the beginning, he had seemed amused at the assertions, but when he spoke of sacrificing to a god for the power of sight, Hashirama's smile had dimed.

Back to the present, Hashirama had been caught off guard, as crazy as that sounded, and that worried him greatly.

So, when he turned around to see the big enough threat that could have possibly scared the other, he had imagined multiple scenarios that could be something utterly scary and/or surprising.

All he saw was a ninneko.

Looking back at his equal, arguably higher up, there was obvious bewilderment in his eyes. He lifted his gloved hand pointing towards the cat and shook with fury. THIS, was why his comrade had stopped? Why did it even bother him that the brunet had done such a dumb act? Maybe, it was because he had been excited, finally able to one-up the other. He had finally gotten a weakness may be.

But now, he felt annoyed at the other and decided to inform the man. "Really? Stop messing around Hashirama! Didn't you want to see my clan so badly? "

The man in question didn't respond, surprisingly, and this annoyed the Uchiha even further. Seriously, was it so hard to simply stop fooling around, and continue along?

Deciding to humour the brunet, he started mentally counting down from ten, and restarting a few times, until he calmed down.

"Okay, Hashirama, what's wrong?"

The Senju finally got out of the spell he was under, and his eyes snapped up to meet Madara's black, searching gaze. His laboured breathing came back and with it came to his question.

"What is it doing here?"

Madara's gaze went back to the cat, innocently licking its paw, unaware of the conflict caused by its appearance. It was just your run-of-the-mill cat, and its normality was infuriating in this conversation.

The Uchiha's hand lowered and stopped next to his side. The black haired man was fully facing his companion at this point, and he angrily took the other man's shoulders and gripped hard.

"What's the matter with you?!"

Hashirama blinked confused a few times, mouth hanging open, his thoughts trying to decipher the question/accusation, and then, his eyes lit up, finally understanding what I was asking. Honestly, with how open his face was, it's a wonder he has such a great track record with difficult missions.

The Senju's face contorted into an awful grin, one never seen before, and his eyes were crinkled in fake happiness.

"I have been asking that myself for a long time."

His tone was bitter and ruff, very ' out of character' one might say. In all his life, Madara has never heard his friend talk that way. It freaked him out, to be honest.

Then, as if the situation wasn't weird enough already, Hashirama defied all expectations again. The brunet's hand came up to his boot and pulled out a kunai.

Staring at it for a few seconds, Hashirama smiled even bigger than before. Not knowing what was happening, Madara stayed still. The taller man continued his movement until the kunai is up under his neck, without interruption.

"And you know what?"

His voice was like a foghorn, nothing new really, but the dead tint to it was ominous. The voice was hard to describe but, it was a mix between gruff and breathy. The kunai was still under his chin, blood might have started to leak.

"I don't care anymore."

His hand shot up and he slumped to the ground.  
XxxxxX


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter oufff
> 
> a bit longer

Hashirama was really feeling unwell. He had woken up on the forest floor, barfing up a very big amount of water, and feeling strange.

What had just happened? It's morning right now, and his clothes aren't wet. Hashirama believes that if someone had saved him, they would have taken off his wet clothing.

Sitting on the forest floor, the forest around him is just like usual, minding their own business and ignoring the baffled and confused boy.

If only he could simply stay on the ground, soaking up the sun and not worrying about the near-death experience (he thinks) that was plaguing his mind.

Groaning at the unfairness of it all, the Senju used his arms to lift himself up, surprising himself with the water puddle he had forgotten that had been created.

He got up, only to stumble to the ground again. Darn it, his legs felt weak and he can hardly move them. Sorry legs, you will still need to transport me back to the compound, but you will get rest after.

How long has Hashirama been gone? Suddenly feeling sheepish, he pushed his limits and got up. Happy with himself, the boy took shaky steps towards his intended destination.

Walking came back to him quite quickly, and then he ran at full speed.

He was getting closer to the Senju clan, but he then heard a shrill scream and gasped out loud. Sweat dripped down his forehead. His body shakes and his eyes widen. He let out a short gulp, very surprised. What was happening over there to warrant a scream?

His pace had halted, and just now, the reality of the situation crashed down on him. The scream hadn't come from somebody he recognized, but Hashirama could admit not personally knowing every single villager and shinobi in his village. Anyway, there is no reason for anybody to be shouting so loud, not even sparring could do that.

The shout also sounded so agonized, painful and emotional. It might have been closer to a howl actually. Hashirama continued his pace when he realized that his family was still inside! What had he been doing?! Standing around contemplating a random scream, when his family could be in danger.

The entrance finally came into view, and Hashirama felt unsurprised to see a battle in front of the door. One of the men had Uchiha clothing, the symbol very menacing. He was against a Senju, his name was Ken, one of his favourite cousin. The brunet could only watch as Ken noticed him and his concentration slipped lightly, but enough for his opponent to use his advantage to plunge into his enemies chest.

Blood sprayed out of the wound. So much Blood. Hashiramas heart quickens. Why did- What if- Wait. The Uchiha is staring at him. The Uchiha is walking towards him. He should move. Why can't he move? The Uchiha is soclosesoclosewhycaN'THEMOVE?! 

His life ended by the hand of the killer that had scared him so.

XxxxX

Hashirama woke up again, and just like last time, he found himself on a patch of dirt. The flowers around him were mocking, their innocence and beauty tainted by his presence. He was human, confused and in pain. His hand hovered under his throat, where there lay an injury that could have been life-threatening. Actually, not could, Should have been life-threatening.

What had just happened? First, he had almost drowned, and then an enemy had attacked him, healed him (He doesn't feel any pain at the moment), then as some kind of sick joke, placed him down on the same soil as before. This raises multiple questions, such as who had saved him from drowning last time? Was it the same Uchiha? Somebody else? But then why? And why leave him alone after saving him?

Or maybe nobody saved him. Maybe he is already dead. But if so, where is he? Not the pure lands, that's for sure, not hell because no flowers will ever grow over there, so then where?

Is this some new form of torture Kami-same has decided to try out on random? If so, then why him? He, who could barely muster up the gall and kill an enemy, who cries when his koi fish died, who cries again when he needs to ignore the wounded on missions. By all accounts, he has done terrible things, but others have done much worse. They even find pleasure in hurting families.

Speaking of families, his might still be in danger and, he could be too late to save them!

But does it even matter?

Of course it does! Ignoring that small voice threatening his optimism, Hashirama ran at full speed towards his compound, and this time when his ears were attacked by the shout, he was ready and didn't stop.

Once again, he came upon the small duel between the two Senju and Uchiha's, blocking the entrance gate. He tried very hard to be unnoticeable, and it worked! It seems as though the few seconds his cousin had gotten this time around was just enough to finish the other off.

He walked past the heaving Senju, and finally entered his compound. He looked around and noticed multiple people battling it out. The ground was red with blood, and disgustingly, it was mostly still warm to the touch.

He decided to ignore the death around him and continued marching forward, trying to find a reason not to intervene in other's battles. He seriously wanted to vomit but knew he had better things to do at the moment.

He noticed his home, with his family and all, minus Father and Mother. His brothers were shielded from immediate view, thankfully, so they weren't very injured.

He went to join them, tears in the corner of his eyes."I am so happy to see that you are all okay and-," meaningless words were spilling outside his mouth, he was just so darn joyous. Suddenly Tobi's hand clamped down onto his mouth. He used his finger as the universal 'hush' sign.

He pointed towards a rather murderous looking Uchiha boy, who was maybe the same age as Hashirama. With black hair and black eyes, the boy could have been considered plain, but the mad glint in his eyes were rather distinctive.

Hashirama immediately shuts up and gives a quick hug to his youngest brother Kawarama, more to comfort himself.

He heard someone call after them the way his Father, Butsuma, usually calls them. " Boys Come over here!" He had shouted very loudly, from behind them. Hashirama turned his head and suffered whiplash, because why would his father scream so loudly?

When his eyes came upon his father, his blood ran cold. His father was actually on the ground, dead. His eyes travelled up, just to meet the Uchiha clan in the eyes. It was a very bad move, because, Sharingan. Terrible decision really.

But, instead of taking the advantage that the young clan heir had just given him, -actually now it's clan head-, he took out a kunai. He threw it at Hashirama's chest, with such force that it travelled through him.

The boy died on the ground, blood leaking from his mouth, blood in a puddle under him. He was not really conscious when his little brothers fell around him.

XxxX

He woke up again, and just like last time, he vomited lots of blood from his stomach. He closed his eyes at the disgusting stench attacking his nostrils.

The beautiful flowers were once again mocking, but this. This time they were bloody, tainted once again.

Hashirama got up, and his thoughts were a mess. Father died? His brothers were going to die? How can- how did- how should I react? How can I save him? Why didn't he- Why did he turn around? Cmon! it wasn't even his fathers' voice!

Honestly, Hashirama wasn't very strong, or smart, or anything really. His little brothers call him an idiot with a big heart.

Well, how should this idiot react now huh? He can't really keep on dying, but the only way to save everyone is to kill the others! Or maybe... He could just incapacitate them! Yes, that would be a much better idea, and he wouldn't feel guilty afterwards too!

But he still has the problem at hand, how should he change his father's fate? His opponent, Tajima Uchiha, was no laughing matter either, and nowhere near his skill/experience level yet. And if he skips checking on his brothers, they might worry.

Hashirama was still walking, and it really came as a surprise when he didn't see the regular battle in the front gate. It was just empty right now, and Hashirama didn't waste time passing through to the other side.

Thinking harder about the situation, he realized that he hadn't heard the customary scream of agony. Is this what arriving early does? Purely out of curiosity's sake, he went to check the place where the shout comes from.

Arriving, he hides in a tree and looks around. All he sees is two Uchiha boys surrounded by Senju. Upon closer inspection, he recognizes the older brother, (he guesses) as the bloodthirsty boy that had passed him last timeline. He had looked very scary and was releasing a powerful hilling-intent. Now, he was back-to-back with another black-head.

Hashirama watched with morbid fascination as both boys grew progressively more tired. He could imagine how they felt, surrounded by the enemy, and it took every single piece of restraint he has not to jump in and save them.

The youngest looks more and more distressed, and the older more and more frustrated. Hashirama pities them, but it was kinda like karma, they had attacked his home, so they were going to die. He studied their faces and noticed how the smaller boy caught on to the kunai getting progressively closer, and it would hurt his brother.

Hashirama was fascinated by the resigned look on his face, and then at the move, he made according to his last minute strategy. The boy jumped and took the kunai to the back of the head. With a "...Madara.", the boy died.

The last Uchiha had wide eyes, and murmured "... Tsuyoi..." He seemed not to understand what had just happened, it not processing through his brain. Hashirama had sympathy now, imagining the pain he must be feeling, losing his brother must be very painful.

Then, with the rage of an angry and anguished Uchiha, the boy screamed with rage and loss. His spiky hair pointy, and his eyes seeking blood. Hashirama was sweating and hopeshopessohard that the kid doesn't see him. He doesn't want to die. He has already died. This wasn't how he thought this was going to go. Oh, Kami. He was walking closer to him. Kami. H-he is...Oh, Kami. He is passing under him.

...

He just passed him. Oh Kami he just passed him! The boy is walking away. Hashirama let out a breath he knew he had been holding in. His pulse slowed down and his adrenaline high started to calm down. That was an experience he wouldn't ever like to live through ever again! He's happy that he was finally alone, free of that boys- Madara was his name, right? - free of Madara's scary bloodlust.

Wait, isn't it a bit too silent now? 

...

The footsteps from before are silent.

...

Hashirama got knocked off the branch, crashing to the ground with a loud thump. The projectile that hit him was heavy, and even though the brunet had his eyes closed to keep dir from falling in, he recognized that the thing that hit him was human. It was Madara seeking vengeance. Shoot- Shoot!

He understood that Madara had used one of his hands to pin him to the ground, and the other one reached for a kunai laying on the ground not too far away from the two of them. He watched as Madara deliberately took his time showing him what he had in his possession. He even heard fully well when the raven lowly hissed under his breath:

"This is what you Senju deserve for taking my brother," The kunai slowly inched towards Hashirama's shoulder, digging slightly into flesh."Don't believe I didn't notice you watching his death." Now he kunai was fully embedded into Hashirama, the only thing keeping him from screaming is the fact that Madara was holding his neck, hardly leaving room for him to breath, let alone shout.

Madara ruffly pulled the weapon out, making space for blood to rush out. "This-" The raven descended his kunai towards his neck. "Is...For..." Madara attacked his jugular with the bloody weapon, and Hashirama could do nothing but watch as his life was leaving him, ONCE AGAIN.

When Hashirama was pretty much already dead, he identified that his killer had whispered something, he thinks it was 'Tsuyoi'.

XxxX

Madara had been feeling weird lately.

It had all started from that stupid-stupid dream he had, where Hashirama had committed suicide, because of a cat. He's pretty sure he must've been on drugs or something, because that sounds completely ridiculous, even to him. But it had seemed so real, and that was the problem.

After having woken up in cold sweat, he'd looked at the wall and thought about the dream for a long moment. This had been completely out of left field, the very idea of a cheerful and powerful man like Hashirama dying, let alone doing so willingly, was delirious. Simply crazy.

Not to mention that the reason this bothered him so much was that he hadn't dreamed of Izuna again, and that was very off-putting. This situation as a whole was off-putting.

After minutes, he remembered that he was clan head, and had duties to do this morning, just like in his dream. Looking at the date today, he found another coincidence, it was the same day.

Moving through his routine, he noticed how he had the same meal as in the dream. When leaving the dining room, he heard the same exact argument as before from a couple of kids, and how it was resolved the same exact way from their female friend.

When leaving the clan head house, he recognized how Hikaku, once again, ran towards him, claiming that Hashiama had arrived for the scheduled tour.

Strange.

He deliberately took his time walking towards his destination, using the free time to think about the situation at hand. What had just happened? Were these all coincidences?

Looking around, everything looked completely the same as before, nothing amiss really. But the coincidences from before really were interesting. Did he have, what, future visions? He was probably just overthinking all of this. He's just going to go show Hashirama and be done with all of-

wait

Entertaining the previous idea, what if he had visions, and if he doesn't act, Hashirama would once again die? Madara doesn't wish that for his old friend, so he should change what happens - maybe reschedule the plan -

What is he doing? Of course, he's going to continue the tour, he shouldn't trust the weird vision he'd had. It was just a weird dream, that's all.

Marching forward, he arrived to greet Hashirama. He used the same dialogue as he had in the strange dream/vision, and Hashirama responded in the like. They continued their walk, and Madara did his best to replicate exactly what he had done, before. He really doesn't understand why he did it, but since it did no harm, it couldn't hurt to play along with the script.

So, they finally arrived at the street were Hashirama died last time, and this time, he didn't freeze up. He just kept walking, and the sentence that hadn't been finished last time flowed easily from his lips. Madara was confused. He had done everything exactly the same, but now the idiot decided not to commit suicide. What had changed? He has not done anything differently. Trying to test a theory, he moved towards the alley were the cat had been last time. Hashirama with his hyper-focused eyes trailed behind him.

He crouched down next to the small kitty-cat and spoke: "This is a nin-neko, the summon my clan is known to using." His finger approached the cat, and after it sniffed him, he gently patted it on the head. He looked up at Hashirama, who was staring intensely at the small feline, he cleared his voice, this took his rivals attention, and gently picked the cat up. He handed the kitty to Hashirama, while still studying the others face. It was impassive and stony. That, on itself, was very telling of Hashirama's mood.

Madara smirked, this was getting interesting.

After leaving the cat to do its cat- business, whatever that might be, he and Hashirama left to finish the tour. He seemed to have turned back to normal, but Madara swore he had noticed Hashirama stealing glances of him. It was kinda surprising how they fell back into the routine so easily, but not too surprising.

At one point, Hashirama had left him for a few minutes, something about inspecting the trees, weirdo, when Madara noticed how he was right now very close to the graveyard. Sure, the Uchiha burned the dead when they could, but they still left some stones with their names.

Madara suddenly remembered which day it was, and entered the graveyard for the annual visit. He approached Tsuyoi's grave and sat down. He stared at the name, and he fell into tranquillity. All of the mess today has been forgotten, the noise and visual details all blurred together. He felt okay, with his younger brother so near. He could almost sense the presence of his brother's hand on his shoulder. But when he opened his eyes, he realized the hand on his shoulder wasn't his brothers, but actually his rival.

They were in comfortable silence, and Madara gazed up at his oldest friend and caught the glazed over look he was sending the rock. It was strange, it was as if he was reliving a memory, but Madara knew that he had never seen nor known his younger brother.

Shrugging it off for later consideration, he went back to looking at the stone, his face content.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hashirama tries again

Hashirama woke up in the clearing once again. He was sweaty, and blood was dripping down his neck. The trees screamed at him at his incompetence, while the flowers quietly judged. This was all just too much.

"I'm trying okay?! It's just so hard!" And he ranted about the unfairness of his situation, but the forest still wasn't happy. Hashirama could almost feel the disappointed gaze from the leaves, or the sad frown from the grass.

"I will try my best! I won't make any stupid- stupid errors this time!" Hashirama could tell that they didn't believe him, but they stayed silent by the promise. This forest was a broken reed.

Hashirama smiled, well he'll show them! Yeah, he will change his future and save everyone! He suddenly remembered that he will need to hurry up if he wants even a little chance at holding his promise.

He prepared himself to sprint when he let out a 'Goodbye' to the trees and the flowers. They stayed silent, thinking that they could antagonize him later when he'll be brought back.

Without sparing another moment's notice, Hashirama ran and ran. Until finally, he reached his destination. As predicted, the regular battle is nowhere to be seen, so the Senju heir easily slipped inside the gate.

Now, Hashirama realized he probably should have planned this all better. Of course, being the reckless idiot that he is, he'd just charge in. So, now he saw that his brothers were already hidden from view, and remembered how Tajima had taken them all in surprise.

What should he do now? Should he go warn his brothers to leave? But, where then? And how will he stop Tajima from murdering his father? He knows that he needs to do something, but how?

He formulated a mental plan and executed the beginning. First, he'd need to pass next to the safe spot his brothers are hiding in. As he ran past their location, he let them chance a glance at his face, and he proceeded to wink. Don't worry guys, I got this it said. His brothers trusted him, so they didn't call after him, though he could feel Tobirama's confusion.

Next, he searched for his father's fight. He hadn't necessarily seen how he had been orphaned before, but his best guess was genjutsu paired with a well-placed kunai. He doesn't really remember where all the blood had come from last time, he had been too scared and surprised to clearly inspect everything. Stupid again! This is just another thing wrong with him, but now at least he knows to memorize everything he sees, in case it will help next time.

He then hears Madara's usual scream, and this motivated him to search faster. He tries his best to place everything he sees to memory. He climbed up on the roof of one of the houses, and he could finally locate where that battle was occurring.

He got nearer, but then had a sudden flashback to when he had intervened with the other battle. So, he stayed hidden even if he knew the Sharingan had noticed him. There was no hiding from it anyway, so why bother.

"This is what you get!"

The Uchiha got a lucky hit on his father, and he stood tall, towering over the other's fallen form.

Something in his pose spoke of hard-earned skill, and after sensing the smug attitude Tajima was giving off, he knew it.

Tajima's head was inclined towards his father, and Hashirama couldn't see what his expression was, though judging by his father's face contorted into a sneer, it probably wasn't that good.

It was crazy how long their rivalry had lasted. Easily before his birth, and maybe even before father married mother. It was kind'of anticlimactic how it's ending.

"Any last words old friend?" This brought Hashirama back to reality, and the realization that he had done nothing to save his father hit him in the gut. Hashirama watched horrified as Tajima lowered his weapon near his father's head, in a hideously similar way as when Madara beheaded him.  
Is this Kami's way of pranking him?

"Yes..."

Suddenly his Father's hand reached for the sword and pulled it towards himself, Tajima still holding it included. The Uchiha was knocked to the ground, laying next to Butsuma. As though fate finally decided to stop toying with them, a coincidental kunai had been laying, metal up, on the ground next to him.

It punctured through both skin and cloth. In a sickly Ironic fashion, they had both been stabbed in the same lethal spot. Hashirama continued to stare horrified at what had just transpired, and couldn't help but respect his father even more after that. 

"...bo-...Hashirama" His head snapped up to the dying man and approached him slowly. This was all so scary and crazy and out of his comfort zone. "...go to the Senju, south from here...take your brothers if you can... The other Senju will-" He gasps for breath very loudly."- accept you."

Hashirama nods and turns to leave when Butsuma speaks for the last time "...come here." Hashirama obliges and steps forwards near Butsuma, and gets pulled closer by the scarred hands. His tiny fingers are insignificant compared to his. The larger hand held his fingers gently, and gently pulled him down.

Hashirama didn't understand why he felt so emotional, it wouldn't matter because he could just die, and bring back his father right? This whole theatrics were useless, right? This wouldn't be the last time he ever hears his father...right? Then, why are tears welling up in his eyes? Why is he shaking -stop shaking! Why can he feel so many emotions, for something not permanent?!

"I love you, son"

Hashirama couldn't take it anymore. This wasn't how his father acted. This wasn't what he had planned. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. The man shouldn't be beneath him, not breathi- he's not breathing. 

Hesnotbreathinghesnotbreathing. Oh, Kami he's...

In a moment of panic-induced adrenaline, Hashirama took a stray kunai and used it to stab himself in a lung. He wouldn't let him die, they would all make it out alive, they will!

He hugged the man he called 'Father' until his last breath.

XxxX

He woke up in the same position, his father's arm hanging limply around him.

...what? Shouldn't he be back to the insulting flowers and the disappointed trees? What is he doing here...? Where is h-... His father... Is still dead.

...

Hashirama spent a full ten seconds just staring at his father's cooling corpse, and the shock finally wore off. He searched wildly around him and saw but failed to acknowledge the missing Uchiha clan head's corpse. He also failed to hear the sound of his brothers terrified screams. Honestly, he just couldn't understand what had happened. Hadn't he died? what..?

He fidgeted with the kunai in his hands and continued to wonder the strangeness of this situation. Like, why was he here? Did he miss?

Deciding to give it another shot, he committed suicide once again.

XxxX

He woke up in his cold father's embrace again. This time, his shock had worn off almost immediately, and he could only feel fear. It was very unlike the fear he felt when being killed by Madara, or when he drowned the first time. This was disbelief mixed with desperation unlike he had ever felt. Even if we ignored the anomaly that was the past couple of days, he still wouldn't find another moment where he had felt this intense kind of emotions.

The closest he had ever gotten had been the birth of his younger siblings, but it still couldn't compare. His breathing pattern was in tatters, and he hadn't even tried to reign in his adrenaline.

The problem was, he knew as a fact, just like how the sky is blue, the forest is malicious or that his love for his family is large, he knew that he hadn't missed. He knows that he shouldn't be here, laying on his father. This was wrong.

Out of sheer mind-numbing desperation, he kills himself, because...he doesn't know what else to do.

XxxX

He woke up in the same déjà vù state as all the other times he had fortunately woken up after experiencing wounds that should've killed him. But unlike all those other times, he started this timeline (because what else could it be?) with a scream. It wasn't one of terror or horror. No, this one was made of pure, heart-wrenching grief. 

Hashirama had come to a realization. His father was truly dead, and there was no bringing him back this time. That hurt. A lot. The young Senju had always lived with the thought, if he tried hard enough, he could succeed but, right now, Hashirama didn't care about winning or losing, all he wanted was his father back. Looking down at the pale, dead and cooling corpse, Hashirama reaches a conclusion. Even if he worked very hard, he won't always achieve his goal.

Getting up shakily, he steadied himself with his arms. The Senju heir- clan head- finally got up and stood his ground. His eyes lept off the surfaces around him, examining while his mushed brain tried to formulate a plan. What was he supposed to do now? His father just died and- what was he saying before he..? Ah yes, the other Senju! Now he simply needed to find his brothers, then he would leave and find them.

First, his siblings.

Hashirama walked silently out of the field he had died in. He didn't take the time he had to look around, there was no time to lose.

He trecked through the silent, bloody field, his eyes inspecting ever spot, every crevice. This was horror fuel for the weak, and Hashirama has stopped being weak the moment he died. It's a wonder he could still smile.

He walked silently over to his brother's hide-out. They were scared, even though Tobirama did a pretty good job pretending to be brave, it was obvious to someone who had lived their whole life with them.

He approached with silent footsteps, just like how his father showed him how to do years ago. It was a basic survival instinct for any shinobi worth their salt. Thinking about his father hurts, so he will stop.

They were hidden in a chakra reinforced mini-bunker. Their friend Uzumaki created it, so only Senju children could hide inside. There wasn't enough space for him to sit inside with them, so he hid in the shadows next to the opening, hoping to discreetly inform his brothers of their plan.

"Hey guys I'm back." Hashirama plastered his biggest, happiest smile he could. He tried his best to comfort his siblings with his courage, but when Tobirama saw his face, he wasn't fooled. After considering it for a few seconds, the albino kept his mouth shut. Good.

"I know what to do okay? Just follow me and we will make it out safe." He whispered. His brothers were silent, staring in anticipation at the plan that was going to come out from their eldest brother's mouth.

"So, try to be silent during the whole process, we don't want to be noticed." This got him four affirmative nods. " remember the passage near here that we played in, in the south? Yes that one. We will use it to get away."

"But... What about the other Senju? Cousin Ken or aunt-" A hand was placed on to Itama's face. They all stilled when they heard two Uchiha's walk directly next to their hiding spot. The silence stayed until the two black-haired males passed them. They stared at each other for a moment, and it was Tobirama that broke the silence."Well?"

Hashirama mused what to tell them. 'oh them? Well we will leave them to die here.' sounds to harsh. Maybe he could lie? No, he couldn't do that to his family. But what could he say then? Hugh-

"Hashirama"

He gurked his head up. There, standing tall, proud and notbloodynotbloodywhyishenotdead? is his father. "Hashirama, get your brothers out of that hiding spot and let's go." The man held a frown, but his eyes seemed soft staring at his son.

Hashirama's eyes were wide. What what what what what what? He's not dead?Shouldn't he be dead? Did his trick work?But he was dead, maybe it took some time? Maybe he has the same ability? But why would he remember? Maybe-

"Father!" Hashirama was forcibly removed from his thoughts, once again, bye sweet Kawarama's cry. The little child was sprinting towards their father very fast. Hashirama was shocked, and his genius mind took a few seconds to process what was going to happen. When he did, he screamed after his littlest brother to stop.

He didn't hear.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hashirama happens

Kawarama had always had a pretty voice. The boy always loved to sing, no matter how quietly he'd been allowed, no matter how much his public was ignoring him, none of it mattered to Kawarama. The determined child would always want to continue to sing.

Too bad he won't ever sing again

Kawarama's body was laying on the ground. There was a gash in his throat, and blood was dripping onto the ground. His eyes, open in shock will never be able to see his favourite flowers, the gardenia, again. He won't be able to achieve his dream of becoming stronger than their father, and will never marry a strong beautiful kunoichi and have kids. He'll never...

Anyway, this was Kawarama's end.

There was red everywhere.

Itama passed out from the shock, he wasn't ready to see his favourite brother die and might have never been. Itama was at least still in the hiding spot, so he was safe from anyone else.

Tobirama was staring, eyes wide open, his shock at the death was too much to handle. The small albino child was also laying in the secure spot.

And Hashirama? He was holding his youngest sibling close to his chest, eyes held shut and tears dripping down his face. He was blubbering apologies for not saving him, not letting him have a future or see him accomplish his dream of world peace by succeeding their father.

Hashirama had been the only one that could've saved him, but he didn't. He was the only one that knew that their father's death, he was the only one that didn't  _(really shouldn't have)_ fallen for the genjutsu.

His thoughts got cut again -  _is this becoming a trend?_  he thinks hysterically- by a cry of horror from Tobirama. He tore his eyes away from Kawarama's face and then they landed on Tobirama, being held by his neck. It was an Uchiha, probably the one that cast the genjutsu.

"Now, how would you like to die little one?"

Things were happening so fast, Hashirama hadn't even realized what occurred until colour came back again. His eyes stopped being dull, his posture became ramrod straight and his movement stopped abruptly.

His eyes widened and thoughts danced in his head. What did he do? Why was Itama passed out over there? What did he do? Why was Tobirama staring at him, with splashes of blood dripping down his face?

Wait-, Tobirama?! Wasn't he being held by the -

Wait.

.

.

.

The boy's brown eyes slowly fell to the ground. They took in every detail of their surroundings, down to up, from that wooden building to the trees. They stopped on the upper bark, where the branches seemed to have grown out of their usual style. It was a sakura tree, and the lone wood that grew away from the others seemed bigger and larger.

His eyes slowly followed the branch, the feeling of anticipation growing bigger and bigger. This branch was related to the reason why everyone was staring at him, he just knew. The wood seemed to become slimmer and slimmer as if at the end there might be a spike.

Blood was the first indication that something was off. Then came the neck.

Yes, he's talking about a human's neck

Yes, that human's neck.

In the past, Hashirama always wondered how he would feel when face to face with his first kill. The boy had always been good at running away or finding pacifistic alternatives, usually consisting of getting the enemy unconscious.

He'd always imagined that he'd vomit, cry and then he'd be comforted by his family that the horrible, disgusting action he'd been forced to commit was okay, that they still loved him and weren't going to leave him behind. A small, insignificant part of him and an easy to ignore part of him, had always been scared of being abandoned by his loved ones.  

Now, he felt none of those emotions. Now, he felt apathy.

"C'mon let's go."

He grabs Tobirama's hand and picked up Itama onto his shoulders. There wasn't any time to lose and they had to hurry. He didn't have the time to think about his new powers either. Hashirama heard an explosion farther away and risked a look back. It didn't seem as though the explosion tag had been meant for them, or even that it was used by an Uchiha.

When he had looked behind him, he got to see Tobi's expression and he regretted it immediately. It was a mix of horrified surprise, and probably betrayal. As if he was blaming  _Hashirama_  for the death of their loved one. As if he knew that Hashirama could have perhaps saved Kawarama.

Well, it hadn't worked on Father, so why would it now?! So, it's not  _hi_ s fault that their brother died! He didn't kill him! No, he didn't! Stop staring stop staring  _stopstaringstopstaringstopstop_ STOP!

Tobirama must have gotten the message, either by the hateful glare  _or_  by the hand squeezing him, and his gaze lowered to Hashirama's chest. The albino swallowed before asking in a low, agitated voice, a question that was hanging between them since Hashirama came back.

"Where are we heading to?"

Hashirama let out a breath and ducked past a stray kunai flying towards him and thought about a good answer. Finally, he responded.

"We're going to the south Senju camp." His answer was simple, but to the point nonetheless. His brother looked at him with question marks in his eyes. Gears were almost visibly turning in his head. It's good to see the loss not affecting him in the moment of action.

They almost passed by the gate uninterrupted to continued into the forest. When they were talking, they had kept a fast speed, and when they noticed enemy shinobi it was too late.

This time when Hashirama died, it was from a senbon in the eye going through his brain. 

XxxxxX

This time when he woke up on his dead father, he simply rubbed his hand on his bloody eyes. Is anything he does actually going to do something?! He had been so _close_ to leaving the village... SO close...after what happened to  _him_.

He suddenly got up.

He could save Kawarama! He could save him from the fate of being killed so young, he could save...His gaze went to Butsuma's cooling corps. Well, he thinks, at least I could save one person with this curse of mine.

He ran towards his brother's hiding spot and Tobirama greeted him with a nod. Okay, no need to panic, everything is going great. None of them know that you have seen one of their's dead. None of them know that you just ran away from their father's carcass. Everything is good.

"Ok, we need to go now. Follow me."

He won't waste time talking in this run, he won't even try to kill Kawarama's would-be executioner. Last time it only worked because of sheer dumb luck. He grabbed Kawarama's hand and squeezed it softly.

Maybe this curse wasn't so bad...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry if it looks rushed and sorry it's been such a long time :/  
> I had writer's block and this is what I had written before my mini -hiatus.
> 
> Anyway, because of his power, everything Hashirama does is probably meaningless. Soo lots of that happening in the future

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is some sort of re:zero kind of situation, so at some point Hashirama isn't so Canon anymore, oops.
> 
> there ain't enough Hashirama-centered fics, me trying my best to add more.


End file.
